A continuation from my previous post “Wishful Thinking”
No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories ~ Haruki Murakami
It seems that my life in 2016 can be summarized simply by the idea of “bringing people together, before tearing us apart”. 2016 was the year I enlisted, and that ultimately meant meeting new people i.e. my section mates and buddies. Just when it seems like I’m becoming closer to them and forging a bond unlike no other, we are separated through postings and vocations. Being separated from friends seems to be a common theme for me this year, especially due to recent events of heartbreak and sorrow. It seems like the two years spent getting to know her and spending time together was all in vain, as we are in that stage of being “friends”, where you could cut the awkwardness with a knife. 2016, truly the year of divisiveness, disappointment and regret.
Frankly, I know it’s not her fault, and I have absolutely no reason to be angry at her. What kind of a man would I be if I was angry at her, simply because I didn’t get what I had wanted? I would be nothing more than a child, crying and throwing a tantrum simply because I didn’t get the toy I wanted. Deep down, where logical reasoning reigns supreme, this is what I understand and this is what I should believe. Unfortunately, that’s where emotion comes into play. Every bit of my being is telling me to be angry, to be upset and to blame her for my unhappiness. After all, we always choose to blame the immediate cause of our distress, do we not? I want to blame her, be angry at her and burn the bridge I’ve painstakingly built over the past two years. After all, the easiest way to heal is to cut off contact with what has hurt you. I would do it, if not for one simple reason. It’s not her fault, but rather it was mine for being so deluded.
Perhaps the reason why it hurts me so much is because of how I always wanted to date my best friend, and now that she has rejected me, I have lost both my dream girl and my best friend. The person that I was most comfortable around, and who could make me act like a young child all over again, now feels like nothing more than a stranger who I can’t even look straight in the eye. Should I simply forget her and move on, or should I try to maintain a friendship. Logic is telling me to let go, but emotion is telling me to hold on. And here lies the crux of my issue: To hold on or to let go. To be desperate or to be a loser. Either way, I lost.
Personally, I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to lose her. She was one of the reasons why I kept going no matter how hard it got. I wanted to prove that the Specialist wouldn’t lose to the Officer (which agonizingly was exactly what happened).
On the flip side, it’s probably better to let go rather than hold on to what could have been. She told me that perhaps it’s best for us to not be friends for the time being, as that would be what she would want if the roles were reversed. I could lie to myself that she’s looking out for how I feel, but I know that’s a fantasy, and I’ve lived in one for way too long. After all, the greater the delusion, the harder you fall to the ground when the floor comes caving in.
Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny ~ Steve Maraboli
When one door closes, supposedly another door opens. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s a lie. One thing is for certain, I’m sick of this uncertainty. I’m sick of it all.
I just need an answer now.